Musings

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Good morning (or afternoon or evening if that is applicable in your part of the world).

My mind has been turning over many things today. Yesterday I had a pain start up in my left shoulder and arm – I know it’s not serious but it was quite distracting on and off throughout the day. Whilst it was a physical cause, I understand that everything starts in the mind, so at my friend’s urging I made a point of breathing and letting go of emotions. I ran through the gamut so I wouldn’t miss one…anger, fear, worry, regret, guilt…and asked Tai Chi Man to do some Quantum Touch too.

I woke up this morning and noticed there was still a little pain but rather than lounge on the couch focussing on it I decided to go for a long walk before breakfast.

There was some sun, a lot of cloud around that at first looked grey and potentially rainy but moved off, some white clouds that were hovering low over the lake, and the scene was so dramatic I wished I had a camera. I heard crickets, smelled Ponderosa pine, admired the architectural variety and the landscaping of neighbourhood homes. There was a good amount of uphill walking and even though I went out at 8 I was well and truly sweaty after a short distance.

At the furthest point, I turned around to retrace my steps and that’s when I started to think about things. My main concern right now is my mum. She called 999 (she’s in Britain) last Thursday because she’d been up all night unable to breathe properly. Apparently she had had a cough that would occasionally turn into a coughing fit, making her feel as if she was choking. No fun, especially when you live alone. She has been on her own since my dad died last September.

So, into hospital, on a nebulizer for oxygen, tubes up her nose, ECG and chest X-ray which don’t seem to have found anything. Her blood oxygen level is lower than it should be so a couple of days of observation have stretched into a week. She had three heavy nose bleeds yesterday because of the tubes.

My thoughts took me from visualizing my mum in a pool of divine light and sending her love, to remembering some of my last memories of my dad last year, to my friend Anne who died a few years ago, and I was thinking how hard it is to accept the mortality of someone close to you. It would have been my dad’s 79th birthday tomorrow and I think I’ll buy a bouquet of flowers and light a candle for him. As for mum, well, it’s too soon after dad, so she can’t die yet! (Humour)

I just had another short conversation with mum again thanks to my sister and her iPhone – she texts me when she’s at the hospital and I call her cell on my landline. She sounds a little perkier today but still doesn’t know when she’s going home.

I know that worrying is futile and never helped anyone anywhere anytime, so I have to trust that everything will work out perfectly (which may not be the same thing as my idea of perfect).

Love and light to all :^}

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